Sunday Morning Musing

Recovery Day From Yesterday's Twins Game::

This morning I woke up with amazingly sore low back and right leg sciatica. If anyone out there in reader land can recall sciatic pain it is the most brutal pain there is, I think. This type of pain is directly related to my L5S1 issues and even though I am going through such terrible pain, I still have reservations regarding the fusion surgery surrounding it. There are so many other treatment options that I get concerned about pulling the surgery trigger a little sooner than I should. For instance, today I am just plain tired and sore and in pain from yesterday's antics. I know what I should do about it, but I don't want to do it. It's like being a two year old.

As Mitch just passed by, he said to me that sometimes you must take a down day and there's nothing you can do about it. When I know I need a down day and I know I need to take it, I need to ice hips and warm back muscles, sometimes I still don't want to and this creates some problems. These are actually inside problems, meaning, I am locked up in my own mind and doing battle. I call it going kicking and screaming to my own good. I have to do what I don't want to do regardless of how I feel about it.

This is the thing I struggle with the most, I really do. I have no desire to slow down at my age and I get mad at God for requiring it of me. Some days I have beautiful acceptance and other days I don't and today is one of the days in which acceptance of my life, exactly the way it is in this moment in time, is a struggle. The good news is that Mass is this morning and my prayers and meditation is heard and recognized by Him. I will have my direct audience with my best friend and He will help me find the strength inside to keep plugging away at this awful health situation.

And here I go again on my negativity binge. I swear, I need a positive emotion injection just about every other day. Being and keeping positive is the one thing I also struggle with. How does one keep a positive attitude when things seem so disappointingly desperate. My goal is to find the strength and presence of mind to keep the power of positive thinking ( I think this was Emmet Fox's book BTW) fresh and in the center of my mind.

I am also beginning Qigong this week. Wow, will this ever be interesting. I am so excited and thrilled. Jacki will be teaching me how to do everything that Qigong has to offer and works at a center in Eden Prairie. I wish I had the name of their company right in front of me, but I promise that I will include their name in another blog. The amazing amount of energy that is blocked by intense internal pain needs to be moved around and then moved directly out of my body. This is so important for my psyche and my spiritual life and for the massive amount of healing and positive healing that I so desperately want to focus on in my recovery from the guilt and shame of losing myself through ill health. I think the psycho-babble of the moment is calling this dis-ease. I don't have any diseases that you could directly attribute my problems to, meaning, should we call my feelings arthritis? Rheumatoid arthritis? Or something beyond that? I am going to work on creating words which correspond to the feelings which have synergy with the physical symptoms that I am experiencing. Does that make sense? Hope so.

In the mean time, if you think of any words that make sense, send them my way. I would love hearing about them and using them in my everyday life. Oh, and, it is REALLY becoming fall around here. It is cool every morning and warm during the day and then back to cool in the evening. I love the change of seasons. Get ready for some gorgeous pictures of foliage coming your way very soon.

Cheers!! RC