Happy New Year!!

2011 Is MY Year!!

The other night I was watching a re-run of one of my favorite programs, Criminal Minds, and they are big on using quotes in the beginning of the program and at the end. Well, at the end the quote was this:: "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." --Washington Irving

When I heard this I was over come by tears, of course, because I began thinking of the long, difficult, often emotionally and spiritually depressing year I have endured in 2010. It was my wake up call year, I think. I believe that God gets our attention through tears and the personal challenges that often accompany them--this makes me reach for His help more. But, 2010 was a year where I had to will myself to get up and move. I had to will myself to stop all the crying and get up and begin to change my attitude from one of grief and sorrow to one of hope and unspeakable love. It was the year when I learned about unconditional love and total forgiveness. These are extremely powerful life lessons and they came hard, but now that I am on the back side of this sorrow and this learning process, I am blessed beyond my ability to express it in writing. I have learned some life lessons which have been invaluable and that have increased my love for everyone around me but especially my husband.

I have learned what true unconditional love feels like, looks like in a long term marriage. My husband and I just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary on December 15th. At times this year I was unsure the love we had for each other would sustain the many problems we had made of our life. We goofed up in the housing market, we goofed up in our financial life, and in this process we thought we would not love each other any more because of the mistakes that we had made. We were wrong. The challenges we experienced actually had the opposite effect. We found a love for each other that was not based on mistakes or a human condition. We found that no matter what we would be true companions and love each other with no conditions attached. The way that God loves us, really, that is unconditional love. It doesn't mean you get to continue making mistakes or hurting each other, no, rather it means that through all the challenges we face in life, we do it together. We have each other's backs. We stay together no matter what. We try to not make mistakes but instead we work as a team as true partners in this marital life together. We forgive each other our mistakes and love each other more because we have the power to forgive.

We are in the midst of laying down our gorgeous birch hardwood flooring over the nasty gray light sucking concrete floors that were in our condo. My design creativity is resurfacing with a vengeance, which is making me happy to be decorating and bossing everyone around! We have already painted the walls of the entire first floor Benjamin Moore's Linen White with pearlized finish. Together these two things are making our home light up! Literally. How unbelievably appropriate that this is coming at the end of one year and the beginning of another. I will certainly be posting pictures as the process continues but right now the saw dust is everywhere! Hah!!

My point in all of this is that every single thing I have endured this year as been for a reason. It has been for my good. It is the blessing of being broken or at least feeling broken, because when God breaks something inside me that is not working anymore it is replaced by something so wonderful that I could never even have imagined it. For me, it has been understanding deep inside myself what it means to truly love and to be loved in return. It has also made me understand how powerful forgiveness is and how truly freeing it is. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven others. And I will love with complete abandon and deal with the risks associated with being vulnerable. Because without risking giving love how will I ever really experience it? And I want ALL of what life offers me, not just pieces of it.

Under our wood floor, written onto the concrete, my husband and I have written some sentiments to each other that only the two of us know about. WE have written them so that they stay in the soul of this new home we are creating together. So that when we walk over them we are reminded of their words and their meaning. We are reminded that love and forgiveness are forever linked if two people are ever to remain and grow in love for one another. We are reminded that God loves us no matter what and that we love God no matter what. And that we love each other no matter what.

Happy New Year. God bless.

Robin

I think I see Santa!

One of my greatest regrets is not having children, however...

God has given me many different ways of mothering and that has been a miracle. I find it so ironic that the very people that have four or five kids don't really want them. They do everything BUT raise their children with character, self discipline and self respect. Then, the people who do want to have them don't have the opportunity. I have always said that God and I would do some talking when I saw him in heaven because I think I got a raw deal in this mix of life. However, there's always a reason in God's world and who am I to judge that reason. I can only cry every tear over the loss and move forward, trusting that God will provide me with other ways to mother. And boy has that come my way. I am so grateful. Mothering and having a child are two totally different things in my book.

But still the magic of Christmas is the time I have a tinge of regret. I have never heard the pitter patter of little feet coming down the stairs at the crack of dawn, spotting the Christmas cookies and milk freshly eaten and seeing their little expressions while they gaze at the many wonderfully and colorfully wrapped gifts that lay under the brightly lit tree. I think I would have loved witnessing that year after year with children. But a couple of gifts were given to me nonetheless. First, my sister had four gorgeous children and when I could get from California to Minnesota for Christmas I was able to participate in this wonderful yearly event. I recall one year when my niece, Sarah, was going through her-- I am wearing my slip ALL the time under everything phase,--running down the hallway with her slip hanging out from under her pj's, eyes wide with excitement and anticipation and ready to rip open some presents that Santa brought to her in the night. That girl was a riot and still is all these years later. My sister and her husband did such a great job in creating Christmas delight for their children and it was just fantastic to witness. They say that Christmas really is for children, but I have a slightly different take on that subject, of course.

My second gift was a little longer in coming. But, I found myself eagerly waking this morning, fresh with delight and anticipation and all we're doing is renting a Suburban and traveling to see Mitch's family in Ohio. But, every year, I wake at 4:30am ready to rumble, get the car packed, make the bed in the back of the land yacht for me, and of course, all of our animals, which consist of two 95 pound English Labrador Retrievers--one yellow and one black. And yes, even the cat comes along for the ride. We have a no cat left behind rule so she gets a small dose of kitty quaalude and off we go. I guess this is our form of Christmas delight. Our little way of expressing the joys of the Christmas season. But I do notice one thing. I am not thinking a lot about God in this little scenario and isn't this really the whole point? These Christmas rituals are fantastic but they are not the reason for the season as the bumper stickers point out.

No, the reason for the season is the birth of Jesus Christ. So it doesn't really matter much if I had children or not, if the tree was loaded with presents for the kids. Or if I have decorated the new three tree rule in the Mc Mansions these days. No, I am truly blessed by the fact that Jesus was born to save me and that is really the ultimate gift I could ever have received. Period.

Merry Christmas to all of you who are reading my silly musings. Mitch and I wish you all have joy and harmony in your home on this glorious of days:: December 25, 2010.

Merry, Merry, Christmas--Robin + Mitch

Love Joy Peace Hope Balance

This Christmas Season

I have been Christmas shopping using cash and no credit for the first time in my married life and it feels extraordinarily responsible and stressless. Mitch and celebrated 17 years of marriage on the 15th. We now say to each other we have been married 17 plus 2. What a hoot. Anyway, I would never have thought I could ever stay married to the same person for over 17 years of my life. It is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. Period. When we were standing in the parking lot of Fleet Farm, my childhood chum and over 30 years married friend, Nancy Senne once told me to ride the waves in marriage. Some years will go by which are fantastic and some will go by that are difficult and challenging, but no matter what, you stay together and ride the waves. One of my worst mistakes is to constantly say to Mitch:: I am getting a divorce! When we argue about something. Well, one of my serious objectives for 2011 is to not say that any more. It is definitely something that I don't want to follow through on and so it is a threat I would not carry out. Hence, it is meaningless. However, it is hurtful and unnecessary. It only serves to undermine our commitment to one another and it doesn't work anymore. It also makes me feel bad when I do it to him. So, out the door it goes.

I will write more about what I foresee for the future in 2011 because I have a very, very good feeling about next year. I am getting my good mojo back and it is filling me with good vibes and a joyous heart. Even the loss of dear Steve will not hurt my positive momentum as we move into the new year. I only wish that Steve was here to move into 2011 with all of us. That loss was one that took be completely off guard and is one I will grieve for some time. He was a man with one of the kindest hearts you will ever find. I was happy to call him friend and my very first boyfriend in 6th grade. Although I think Kirk was my 5th grade boyfriend....but I digress....I will miss Steve's laugh and our bond of chronic pain issues and the struggles that accompany having that to contend with. Chronic pain moves into every facet of a persons life and it permeates every aspect of a persons daily functioning. Horrible is another way of putting it. Pain is horrible and getting it under control is what Steve was trying to accomplish. I will miss our long conversations and his positive attitude towards everything he came into contact with. He will be missed. I haven't done my rosary for him yet but I will this weekend. We have a long car ride in front of us and between knitting I will be praying for him, for my step-mother and for family and friends in general. What a great way to spend a day!!

Now, the painters will be here any minute and I am too excited for words! My home is coming together effortlessly. By the first of the new year I will have beautiful new walls that are bright and light and magnificent. Then I will have a new birch hardwood floor that will be bright and light and magnificent. Just wait! Pictures will be arriving soon and the transformation will be nothing short of spectacular. I am like a caterpillar making her way out of the cocoon. New and exciting things are here daily. I am thrilled. I will also have brand new glasses which are pink and green. Yep, you read correctly. I will now be seeing the world with rose colored glasses, well, in this case, pink colored glasses, but nonetheless, they will be perfect, positive and peppy! Rock on RockinR!! Joy comes from the heart and it is certainly in mine. PTL baby!! Hah.

More to come people and please stay in touch!

Robin

A Tragic Loss at Christmas Time

A Tribute to a Dear Grade School Friend

My first real boyfriend, besides the wonderful Kirk Bratrud in 5th grade, was Steve Friese in 6th. Although, I do believe that the entire female 6th grade class had a crush on Steve, I do count him as my first real 'boyfriend'. It may of lasted the whole of five minutes but I have very, very fond memories of what it felt liked to really like a boy.

I am a Labor Day baby and in the fall of our sixth grade year I was given my first Kodak Instamatic camera for my birthday. You know, the kind that had that silly four square light bulb dohicky on the top that served as the light source. But, even then I loved photography. Since Steve was my boyfriend we were out on the kick ball field behind Burroughs one afternoon during recess and I snapped a picture of him where I captured his spirit so completely that I saved that photograph all these years later as a way to fondly recall those wonderful days of youth. I keep telling myself I will run across the darn thing soon, but so far to no avail. I will find it though because I know I did not toss the darn thing. Anyway, it shows Steve in all his glory. In action, racing somewhere but giving the camera and me a great feisty look that spoke of his fun innerself and his powerful presence as a kind and loving soul who was at the least a fantastic football and hockey player.

We lived about one block away from each other and Steve and I actually met in 3rd grade. We then went all the way through to our first or second year of high school. I believe him telling me recently that it was at that time his father decided to become a pastor and he moved their family of mostly boys, if memory serves me, to Michigan. So, although I had lost track of him past about the 9th grade he was one I never forgot because he was unforgettable. Once you met Steve you fell in love instantly. The guys loved him because he was a real mans man and the girls loved him because he had the biggest bluest eyes you've ever seen and the best inner spirit radiated out from those eyes.

He had a fun and diverse work life raised three big strapping boys, remarried a woman he thought was incredible and was doing work currently that he truly enjoyed. We met again when three of us girls were planning our junior high school reunion from Susan B. Anthony in South Minneapolis. I did a search and found him fast. I called him and reintroduced myself as his girl friend in 6th grade. I was shocked to find out that I was only one of many, but still he was completely OVERJOYED with finding his childhood friends after a thirty year lull. In fact, he was so excited, that he asked if he could ride his Harley over to my house the day the girls and I were addressing envelops in my office. So, a few weeks later, up rides Steve on an enormous and somewhat deafening, rumbling Harley Davidson motorcycle. He pulls into my driveway and walks up to the front door. He doesn't knock he just comes in shouting his hellos from the doorway. The three of us girls are giddy with anticipation and go tearing down the stairs to see him. We intersect him at the door and there were great hugs all around. We escort him to my office and we begin to reminisce and to get current all at the same time. He tells us how much his family means to him, showing us pictures all the while. He talks of how much he thinks of his take-no-prisoners wife Kelli. He keeps telling me that the two of us HAVE to meet because we're just alike. Sadly, I never got around to having that dinner party this winter because I kept thinking I had plenty of time. Please. don't procrastinate this type of thing, as I have found out many times over --life can change on a dime.

Anyway, that day began a wonderful business relationship and friendship together that lasted up until the day he died last week from an apparent diabetic insulin overdose. Sadly, I was unable to attend his funeral or memorial because I lived so far away from him and the weather was flat out scary, but I will be doing a rosary in his honor. Kelli gave me the details of what happened and where she found him and how completely shocked she was and how shaky she is still. She had just lost her husband of 17 years (we both shared that same length of time being marriaged) so she was sick from the pain of loss. My prayers go to her and their family.

I can say without question that the greatest joy to come to him over these past many years was the reconnection of people he knew from childhood. And we were overjoyed to have reconnected with him again too. Although his body was ravaged by chronic pain and the toll that diabetes takes on ones body long term, to the end he was one of the kindest men I will ever know. His energy mirrors my husband's in many ways and I am glad they had met.

Mostly, however, I am destroyed by how quickly loss can come. I am amazed by its ability to puncture the bubble of everyday life, deflate it so quickly and then make it nearly unbearable. Kelli's loss came in an instant and so did the rest of ours. He will be forever remembered and forever missed. Kelli told me that Christmas time was his favorite time of the year. What a good time to die.

Rest peacefully, Stevie.

Your friend and childhood buddy, Robin

Self-Forgetting.

A New Me Is Emerging, Finally

I love looking at inspired architecture whether it be residential or commercial. Residential has a bit more interest simply because it is a place we would call home.

However, during all of my health issues these past two years not even an inspired residential interior could snap me out of the anger I felt towards God and everyone else for the broken body I had developed for nothing. No reason at all! Suddenly I felt myself like poor Alice, falling down a hole where there was nothing to catch hold of to stop myself from falling and no end in sight. It has been a grueling, nasty, difficult, depressing (depression to me is anger turned inward), self-pitying, rage-full, and bitter time in my life. A time when I could not catch my breath from crying. And I was mad as a hornet, in other words, not liking much of anything. When your entire body hurts and nothing seems to be getting better but seems to be worsening, things in life tend to appear a bit bleak. I know some of you can identify with me here. But, finally, through helping others in my family who are experiencing some health problems as well and watching them deal with their illness with so much positive energy, and working with a holistic therapist, I am finally snapping out of it as Cher said in that movie I can't remember the name of--drat. 'Snap out of it Robin!' I said to myself the other day. I couldn't believe it. Now, I am not saying I am cured because I uttered those words, but I understood the notion of them. I said, self, haven't you hung on to this anger and negativity for long enough? How about a little break to let God in some more. Just a little peep hole for God to shine some additional light on my broken body and help me adjust more gracefully and with more dignity to a body that is not the same anymore. Well...

Over Thanksgiving and in particular, Thanksgiving Day, it was the first time in many years I felt so completely thankful for my family. Since my stepmother's breast cancer diagnosis and subsequent mastectomy the Monday prior to Thanksgiving Day, (and now looming radiation and chemotherapy treatment), I got to witness my father share the love and devotion he feels and has for his wife by helping her during the first few days of her recovery at home. I got to think about how my husband has helped me so many times during the past many years since my spine issues have wreaked havoc on my body and daily functioning in life. And, he has done this helping of me not begrudgingly or stingily, but instead with the same love and devotion that my father reflects to his wife of over 30 years.

It was my honor to cook my parents healthful, nutritious, good food so they had something to eat when they returned from the Mayo. It was my honor to help them with their dogs while my step-mother was having her surgery and recovery days at the Mayo. It was my honor. If I could have done more for them I would have without reservation.

It is out of pure love that one does things like this in a family or with friends because self forgetting is so important and I forgot that notion entirely. Ironically, when I began to focus my attention on helping others, especially my parents in their need, I forgot about my own health issues and was able to discontinue the bulk of my pain medications and blood pressure medication entirely. Granted, I had been working towards this for a while, but I was off those meds for nearly one month until a L4/L5/S1 flare up nailed me last weekend. But, helping others helped me to forget about me. I confess, my world got mighty small when I was the only person I thought about. This reminded me about a person I knew when I lived in San Francisco who always said, 'I may not be much, but I am all I think about.' Think about that the next time you think your life is so bad because that's what I am going to do. My life isn't bad by a long shot. Period. And we in my family and that of my husband's family are truly blessed. To think otherwise would be more selfish than I could ever express here on this silly blog.

So, when Mitch and I brought up all the Thanksgiving meal fixings and forgot the gravy and the cranberry sauce it simply wasn't the end of the world as I knew it. It was something we all laughed about and a memory that was made that I will cherish for the rest of my life. My father brilliantly made cranberry sauce from his stash of dried berries by adding water and a little sugar and heating them in the microwave. They came out delicious. If I had had just a little more juice from the turkey breast I could have made gravy but since I had not cooked a breast before I didn't realize they don't contain as much fat or make as much juice, hence, nothing to help make the gravy. I know now that it was laughter and enjoyment and love that ruled that day for me. A gratitude washed over me that I hadn't felt in a long time. I am truly and fully blessed.

I also am able to witness this love in the family of my husband. My mother-in-law cares lovingly to my father-in-law due to his degenerative spine problems and she is an inspiration to me. So is he. He had some spine surgery about a year ago--no, over a year ago and he's like a new man now. His spirit is back, his eyes have their fun, little boy light in them again (which, by the way, he passed on to my husband, that little boy light is a light I love about my husband) Dick has put weight back on, and returning is his humor and handsomeness! It is truly wonderful to witness.

This is the stuff that real, true, Thankfulness comes from. This is the stuff that gratitude is made from. It comes from love of others and the ability to get out of one's self long enough to help others in their time of need and do it without thinking or without any bitterness or expecting anything in return. It is complete selflessness. Wow. It has been a long time since I helped someone especially a family member and I felt fantastic. I continue helping. I will continue helping. And in the process enjoy the privilege of spending time with my father and step-mother more regularly and I love it.

And I will never, ever take my husband's help for granted. As I see it, It is his gift to me. I hope I can return the favor in what ever way I can some day. He suffered a cold after returning from a business trip last week, and so I was able to help him through that. But it's a head cold, how bad can it really be! Hah! But scale of helping doesn't matter I am finding. It is simply knowing that doing it without expecting something in return is key. This is true, unconditional love. The same love God has for me and you.

Funny, after writing the words unconditional love I decided to look them up. Here goes:: Unconditional--not limited by conditions, absolute. Love--a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. So, unconditional love must be a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person that has no limits and is not bound by conditions whatever they may be. Isn't that beautiful. Wow.

I believe now that unconditional love is what life is all about. It is God's gift we give to Him and to each other. I am so thankful that people in my family love me despite my flaws. I am so thankful my husband loves me despite my mistakes and character defects.

I am just as grateful for the tenderness I witness by my family members who are around me every day.

I am profoundly grateful and thankful.

I am snapping out of it! Finally! And am profoundly happy for that too. In self-forgetting, I found myself again and helped the very people I love the most in this life.

Namaste--Robin