I had a fantastic change of attitude last week that has literally changed the way I think and feel to the point of never going back to the past. I have realized how horribly debilitating staying locked in the our past can be to being fully in the present moment today...right now...this very second.
Last Thursday this came about after having had a horrible emotional melt-down in front of my husband to the point of scaring him out of his wits, which I have never done before. Since so many brutally stressful things has happened in my life over the past four years, I have had every reason in the world to be slogging around in the self-pity pool, staying firmly entrenched in the "let's beat Robin up for every single mistake she's ever made and vividly recall each and every one of them over the past four years", and finally, the self-hate that consumed me was beyond my ability to finally function and I was on a fast spiral downwards towards a major continued clinical depression.
To clarify, I am also not one to take ANY medications for clinical depression. Depression is fact of life. When things are not going the way I want them to I get royally depressed and anxious simultaneously and my life gets out of control and unmanageable. In order to re-establish my footing I must lock horns with God and do a bit of battle until I finally let go and surrender. Last week was the most incredible surrender of my life and has changed me forever. I am now more in love and have more faith in God than ever before in my life and can say I am over the debilitating aspects of my depression. Now, I am going about changing the serotonin levels in my brain by doing much more exercise and of the cardiovascular variety. Serotonin and endorphins kick in and I feel like a brand new person. Like a new Monarch butterfly getting ready for my migration to Mexico from Minnesota. I know the new love of my life is God and then my husband, family and friends. Not in any other order. I know completely that God loves me unconditionally and that I now know how to love unconditionally. What an amazing thing to know and understand.
This is an extremely simplified version of the amazing progress that was made in my life last week. But, please suffice to say that I have come out the other side of some of the worst problems of my entire life and that these problems seemed to last forever because of my inability to surrender them to God. There's a marvelous saying I have on a piece of paper somewhere in my new condo that reads, "Good Morning, Robin, this is God. I will be handling all of your problems today and I will not need your help, so have a wonderful day. I love you, God.". Where was this sentiment in all these horrible issues? How did I manage to forget that God was there with me every step of the way to help me over come every obstacle in my path. To help me surrender to my mistakes and humanness and to ask Him for all the help and guidance I will ever need in my life. I could have saved myself so much more time and energy had I simply remembered that God loves me and only wants what is best for me. Sometimes there are aspects of my humanness that need breaking by God and that is not a comfortable process, but the blessings that result are nothing short of miraculous. THey make me honor and love God all the more because of the caring He has for me. I only wish that everyone could understand this profound love for themselves. But, I am certainly no poster girl for it. I go kicking and screaming to my own good all the time. But going through two business bankruptcies, a foreclosure of my dream home, the downsizing of my life and a multitude of health problems, just about did me in over the past two years and I could barely, barely function. To top that off, my husband and I had to figure out if we still loved one another and if we wanted to put God before our marriage. Let me say, we decided we did loved each other warts and all, and that those vows we took actually mean something. They don't mean when the going gets tough and mistakes get made you bail out of a marriage. We stayed put, worked through our problems, which we are still doing, and renewed our marriage vows and commitment to each other. I love him now more than I ever have and know exactly what loving someone unconditionally now means first hand. Never knew what that ways before.
So, it's no wonder I begin Qigong work next week with a healer. If you don't know what Qigong is I highly recommend it. For me, it is one more way I connect my body, mind and spirit and continue to move out any blocked energy that is stored within my body causing me dis-ease. It is an amazing process and it was amazing how God put the right teacher in my life when I was ready. Things all happen for a reason and when the time is right. Openness, openness, openness. Oneness with God. Oneness with myself. Loving others unconditionally and loving myself and thinking of myself less is so important. I have heard it said that humans don't need to learn to love themselves, they already do that, it comes naturally. We need to learn to love ourselves less and focus on others more. Through this process we actually get better on the inside instead of trying to fill up using material goods.
For the first time in my natural life I could care less if I have the next "it" handbag that costs a small fortune. It almost makes me shutter to think that I actually thought that putting a $3000 handbag on a credit card and going into debt was more important than my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I am designer, and God gave me these fantastic gifts and talents, but they are to serve Him, not to buy myself expense material goods that I don't need. Now I ask myself, is it a need or is it a want. Do I want to serve the most important source in my life or do I want to run to Neiman Marcus and spend money I do or do not have? The answers are now very, very clear. So clear in fact that my soul has changed and my heart has changed and because of that my health is now changing. I still may need my fusion surgery in October, but I will be so much stronger on every single level of my life. Thank you God. Thank you, Mitch. Thank you, Joan, Thank you, Judy, Thank you, Lynda, Thank you, meetings.
And mostly, thank you for my ability to be constitutionally honest with myself. It may have taken me a while, but I will never treat myself has horribly has I have for the past four years every again. I am worth more than that. As Lynda would say to me, "Robin, God is just crazy about you."
God is just crazy about you too.
Talk to you tomorrow!!
Robin
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