My Happy Day

A Great Luncheon at MOA Yesterday with my dear friend from junior high!

Yesterday I spent the noon time hours and bulk of the afternoon with my dear friend, Gregg. We've known each other since we were in our early teens and he moved back here from the New Jersey/New York area after 25 years spent in Manhattan working on his career.

On occasion, after reconnecting with each other, Gregg and I would have dinners together while I was in New York on business. In the beginning of our relationship it was wonderful but a little tentative I think. He was clearly going through a rough time with Lehman Brothers almost filing for bankruptcy every five minutes leaving Gregg never knowing the exact status of his job. His career was spent doing all of the high tech IT for the entire floor of the NY Stock Exchange. No easy position and it was all consuming, but he did a marvelous job and I think just by speaking with him, that he never really stopped to notice how exceptional his work was and how professional and creative he is. Anyway, Lehman Bros was eventually bought out or filed for bankruptcy or something like that (I don't follow these types of things, sorry) leaving Gregg without a career.

His heart (intuition if you'd prefer that word choice) had been telling him for some time to come home to Minnesota and live with his father in his childhood home. In honoring his intuition his house in New Jersey sold in minutes (well, not literally, but it sold really fast) and he was home by Christmas of last year. Personally, I love having him back, we're now developing such a lovely friendship. But I digress....

Anyway, we now strive to have lunch together at least once a month and connect via email and FB weekly if not daily. I have found this positive, forward looking friend just at a time when I so desperately need people like him in my life. I literally can not have people near me who are negative energy sappers because I am working so diligently at keeping my mind and body positive and clean of bad juju. I truly believe that negativity, shame, guilt, remorse, anger, resentment and all the other negative emotions zap my body's ability to heal itself and I stay in a dis-eased state and that I am completely tired of. I call it being sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, I am making changes and one of the biggest changes I am making in my life is to keep only the people who exude that positive, upbeat energy that I find so important to me at this time in my life. I keep close to me people who love me unconditionally and without reservation. Gregg came into my life just at the right time. God never makes a mistake that's for sure. I adored and cherished him when we were kids and I still do. Here's part of why I feel this way::

On Gregg's FB page one of the quotes on his home page is by

Dr. Seuss and it says:: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I loved it so much that I mentioned it to him immediately. Well, yesterday I had my hair done prior to meeting with Gregg for lunch. I told my hair designer, Lissa, that I was meeting with my old dear friend and that he has the most delightful quote on his FB page. I repeated the quote to Lissa and we both agreed about how positive and uplifting the quote was and how wonderful the quote's ability was to change our feelings so that we are able to see things in a different light.

Well, fast forward to luncheon at Nordstrom Cafe with Gregg. He is carrying with him a bag from Target, which I find wildly amusing, but don't say anything about it. We order our lunch and walk over to our booth, with Gregg poised at the ready to do battle with anyone who might want our booth! Hah. We sit down and after a moment of getting our drinks organized, he pushes the bag over to me and tells me this is my birthday present and to please open it. Well, I was soooo totally not expecting the gifts in the first place that I was a little, well, not embarrassed, but shy and modest I guess. I get that way sometimes when I am not expecting such caring from someone. I ask him what he wants me to open first and so I go for the card, which is fabulous and extremely poignant. I then open the smaller present, which turns out to be a fantastic CD by cellist Truls Mork of Bach Cello Suites. Bach is my hero, period. He created his work solely for the glory of God and his music is nothing short of miraculous and heavenly, intuitive. It doesn't get much better than that.

Then I open the larger gift. As I open what I now know to be a wooden plaque, I notice a 'don't cry' sticker in the lower right hand corner, I flip the thing over, and on the front is the quote from Dr. Seuss. I instantly burst into tears and looked over into Gregg's eyes and he was tearing up too. He got me good. I was absolutely not expecting such a touching birthday present and one that was so from his heart. He told me that he had had the plaque for sometime but for some reason had never put it up. We now know it was because it was meant for me. He has since ordered another for himself, but this one was for me.

God works in our lives in such unexpected ways if we just stay open to Him and His love for us. Blessings truly come to us in the form of people. People like Gregg who's heart is open and radiant. He thanked me for my support of him over the past year as he has navigated through the challenges of relocating, job shifts, caring for an elderly father, making new friends and letting go of his past life as he knew it to make room for the new life he's creating for himself right now. And although some of the pieces are a bit different this is exactly the same struggles I am dealing with and it is beyond wonderful having someone around me who is feeling the same way I am and who is willing to stay positive and loving despite every reason not to.

The plaque is going up right above my alcove of computers and creative space. I don't call it my work space since work is a negative word to me. i don't ever go to work, I go to fun everyday. That is how I have always considered my careers, fun. Places for me to use the gifts and talents God so graciously gave me to honor Him. How poignant that my creative space is all about having fun and that my plaque is in honor of the king of fun, Dr. Seuss.

I am truly blessed and I thank you so much, Gregg. Joy is in my heart every time I look over and see that blue piece of wood.

So, no crying, only smiling!

Really Early Musing. 4:30am

Good Morning People::

I am continually amazed by the medical community in both positive and negative ways. On the plus side, my primary care doctor is probably one of the most compassionate women I know and she has and is helping me more than any single physician I have worked with before. I saw her yesterday, told her of my situation over the weekend and she was supportive, understanding, and gave me solutions to my questions. What more can one ask for in a doctor? On the negative side, I had an arrogant spine doctor who one minute told me I was to have spinal L5 back fusion surgery if I followed his 12 easy steps,(meaning 12 weeks of rigorous physical therapy or physical terror as I call it) but then when I completed the 12 easy steps he decided I was miraculously cured by physical therapy and didn't need spinal fusion surgery after all. It's a miracle!! Or is it poor medical practice?

So, here's my situation and let's decide together. I know I have an impinged nerve at the L5 joint. Facet included. I am one of the lucky people who have a sixth lumbar vertebrae fused to that 5th as well. Together the L5S1 are giving me an enormous amount of trouble in my low back, sciatic area, down the length of my buttocks, the entire length of my leg down to my foot where I experience numbing, tingling and weakness. Over the weekend the flare I began experiencing over a week ago came to a head when the pain meds couldn't keep up with the pain and I was in a full on sciatic inflammatory pain problem that had I not had an appointment with another spine doctor (I was in 5th grade with) I would have been in the emergency room at Unity Hospital. Luckily, I was exploring my options, looking for second and third opinions and heard about Dr. Cohn from my good buddy from grade school, Steve Friese. I had made the Monday appointment about 10 days prior to my flare and the timing couldn't have been more perfect. Cohn had a cancelation and I was able to get an L5 injection that calmed things down considerably. Round two will be in two more weeks, the third shot two weeks after that. Amazing the different results one gets when asking different people.

Now, that morning, before leaving for that appointment, I received a call from Dr. X the other spine doctor who I had called, told I was miserable and would he inject me? He called to say no, that the shots didn't seem to work on me and that popping more pain pills and doing more PT would be my lot in life. Great. Now that is a great set of options don't you think? What a fabulous long term solutions, narcotics and exercise. Sorry, but I just don't buy it. I have to believe there's another way, I just do.

So, long story short, I go to Dr. Cohn get my injection, I am not perfect but I am a whole lot better and even decreased 10mg on my pain meds because I took this action. I went down 10mg while in a flare!! That is trust in my primary doctor and trust in the new spine guy.

However, the new spine guy suggested that I have a procedure called an EMG, which is painful first of all and I am a baby. I don't let anyone near me without some type of soothing medication on board and these spinal injections are nothing short of brutal. So, I did my research at home and found out that an EMG is an xray where they insert needles into the muscle of the inflamed area and gauge the muscles state at rest and during contraction. Now, here's what is really cool. I run this by my wonderful primary Dr. Wilkens and she says::" let's look at it this way. What is the point of the procedure. We know you have an issue with that area of your back, we know you have an inflamed L5S1 nerve that is wreaking havoc with your entire right side of your leg. Is it really all that important that we discover just how impinged the nerve is? Do we need to know exactly how bad/good the stenosis, spondelyosis or what ever that enormous word is, the degenerative disk disease, the blah, blah, blah, must we really need to know this in perfection or is it enough knowing that I have this issue and then how do we best treat it so I get the relief I am seeking, and learn how to handle the issue long term if surgery is not an option." Wow. How incredibly profound and said with such common sense. Now that is what I call a healer in a physician. There's a big difference in being a doctor and being a healer in my book. And Dr. Wilkens is a person who has been given the gift of healing. So, I am saying no to the EMG procedure because I don't need it. It is not a procedure that I require to tell me anything more than I already know about my little body and how broken it is. To do this to my body would add to stress and anxiety to me both physically, mentally, and spiritually and if I don't need it to ascertain an important question then I don't need to put myself through this. And I have the right to say NO.

My husband has really good common sense when it comes to this type of thing and he knows me and my body expertly because he has to watch the awful struggles that I have on a sometimes daily basis. Whether it be chronic pain or chronic illness (I have RA) he has been there for me for the past five years while I have struggled with this mess. He is the one that has given me the strength to stand up for myself in a doctor's office and say no to a procedure I don't think I need or say yes to something I do think I need. He's been my sounding board and my go-to guy and I love him all the more for his help, support, and loving guidance.

My next goal is to begin working with chronic pain psychologists at Maps and learn how the mind plays a role in chronic pain. I am hoping that this forum is a place where I may learn how to better deal with my chronic issues and how to deal with the cycle of stress, anxiety and pain. And I refuse to take any anti-depressants, period. I am going to get through this using every single resource available to me and trust in God more than I ever have before in my life. God will get me through this if I put all my faith in Him. It is in God where the true miracles lie. He can move the mountains that I need moved and my job is to do my homework and get the most experienced, Godly, gifted healing doctors I can find.

Oh, I am doing my first TM 20 minute meditation today. I will let you all know how that goes. My BFF has been doing TM for over 25 years and she swears by it. I know it can help calm my body. Calm the mind and the body will follow....so well said by Joan M. April.

More to come.....

HELP

Good Heaven's::

Can someone please tell me how to not post when I am still editing my copy. Jeez. This thing is sooo irritating. So, I was writing about narcotics and how good they are for pain and how bad they are when people get mentally addicted to them. Hard deal. Life goes to hell in a hand basket and I would much rather live with a bit more pain than go back to being enslaved to a mood or mind altering chemical. Reminds me of my beef with the pharmaceutical industry and all the drug advertising done on TV. I remember the days when they took booze commercials off of TV because they thought they were unsavory and now drugs/pills for everything that ails you are the new booze ads. Let's see, do I feel I bit depressed lately? Take a pill? I am anxious so I'd better take a pill for that too. And then there are anti-depressants to work in combination with anti-depressants, so this industry is really making a ton of money. Okay, so I am on my soap box, sorry. Just let me say. Tom Cruise was right he just didn't stay with his word. Brooke should have worked out.

Anyway, I can say these types of things because no one reads this! Ha. What a blast. So, tomorrow I get my stitches out from my basil cell carcinoma deal last week. I am then going to split open vitamin E capsules and rub the oil over the scar to see if that will settle it down a little. The scar is right on my chest and so I really want to make sure I don't get to bad a white rip. Better than cancer though no?

I am also ready for a trip to Texas. I am missing it down there something fierce and I am going to have to write Judy and Mike soon. Like, right after I finish this. Talk in the morning...

Rockin Robin at the Rockin R

Not Morning Anymore!

Little Busy Today::

Okay, I didn't exactly get to this right away this morning over coffee but at least I am after it now.

My musing today is how interesting it is for me to see that one of the men running for governor of MN on the GOP ticket I was hired to brand, which I did and for a fraction of the costs I normally charge.--I did this for someone I know who is related to this man. But, unfortunately, his handlers were to stupid to use anything that was beautifully designed and extremely well branded and since this is what I do for a living it is really irritating when people who don't pay full price waste my time and expertise. And then the guy stiffs me $300. on the back end AND he wants to run our states finances. Not that's down right scary and highly irritating. It is a lucky no one reads this blog or you'd know exactly who I am talking about. What bothers me the most is that he can't manage the integrity to pay in full an invoice from a small business owner --the very small business owners he vows to want to help. Go figure. I won't say his name but he has a lot of kids. Enough said I have vented enough. But, the guy still owes me $300. and if anyone talks with him mention it and see what he does.

My health is getting better and better and I am getting stronger and stronger. I am waiting for Dr. Bartie's orders to come into Mike's office so that I can begin to really ramp up my PT. My posture has changed, my gate has changed, the way I walk, has changed and that is such a great thing to have happen. My goal now is to stay on a very low dose of pain medication so that I don't have to take much. LOVE that. Too many people getting addicted in their minds and that's not good. I must take it because my body is so ravaged, but I am not going down the road of heavy narcotic use I can tell you that.

Power of Prayer

NO SPINAL FUSION!

And yes, I am very excited and happy about that little bit of news that I just got yesterday. Dr. Bruce Bartie was the man that told me that all the hard work I had placed in PT had done exactly what it was suppose to do and I do not need to have any more surgery. I can not tell you how happy and grateful I am right now.

However, now the real work begins, I must continue to work very hard on my PT and it will become harder and more intense. I say, "bring it on baby"!! All I know is that I prayed like mad never thinking in my wildest dreams that God would actually hear me or be interested in my despair of spine surgery. I was more wrong than I will ever know. I prayed for courage and strength no matter what the outcome and he matched me and went beyond. He gave me the ability to be perfectly OK with whatever happened. In other words, I was going to be okay no matter what and that is the true blessing. How great is that.

Mitch has a friend and colleague in from Florida that we must take to dinner tonight, so it's off I go to do dogs and then shower and dress.

More musing tomorrow.

RC at the RockinR

Sunday Morning Musing

Recovery Day From Yesterday's Twins Game::

This morning I woke up with amazingly sore low back and right leg sciatica. If anyone out there in reader land can recall sciatic pain it is the most brutal pain there is, I think. This type of pain is directly related to my L5S1 issues and even though I am going through such terrible pain, I still have reservations regarding the fusion surgery surrounding it. There are so many other treatment options that I get concerned about pulling the surgery trigger a little sooner than I should. For instance, today I am just plain tired and sore and in pain from yesterday's antics. I know what I should do about it, but I don't want to do it. It's like being a two year old.

As Mitch just passed by, he said to me that sometimes you must take a down day and there's nothing you can do about it. When I know I need a down day and I know I need to take it, I need to ice hips and warm back muscles, sometimes I still don't want to and this creates some problems. These are actually inside problems, meaning, I am locked up in my own mind and doing battle. I call it going kicking and screaming to my own good. I have to do what I don't want to do regardless of how I feel about it.

This is the thing I struggle with the most, I really do. I have no desire to slow down at my age and I get mad at God for requiring it of me. Some days I have beautiful acceptance and other days I don't and today is one of the days in which acceptance of my life, exactly the way it is in this moment in time, is a struggle. The good news is that Mass is this morning and my prayers and meditation is heard and recognized by Him. I will have my direct audience with my best friend and He will help me find the strength inside to keep plugging away at this awful health situation.

And here I go again on my negativity binge. I swear, I need a positive emotion injection just about every other day. Being and keeping positive is the one thing I also struggle with. How does one keep a positive attitude when things seem so disappointingly desperate. My goal is to find the strength and presence of mind to keep the power of positive thinking ( I think this was Emmet Fox's book BTW) fresh and in the center of my mind.

I am also beginning Qigong this week. Wow, will this ever be interesting. I am so excited and thrilled. Jacki will be teaching me how to do everything that Qigong has to offer and works at a center in Eden Prairie. I wish I had the name of their company right in front of me, but I promise that I will include their name in another blog. The amazing amount of energy that is blocked by intense internal pain needs to be moved around and then moved directly out of my body. This is so important for my psyche and my spiritual life and for the massive amount of healing and positive healing that I so desperately want to focus on in my recovery from the guilt and shame of losing myself through ill health. I think the psycho-babble of the moment is calling this dis-ease. I don't have any diseases that you could directly attribute my problems to, meaning, should we call my feelings arthritis? Rheumatoid arthritis? Or something beyond that? I am going to work on creating words which correspond to the feelings which have synergy with the physical symptoms that I am experiencing. Does that make sense? Hope so.

In the mean time, if you think of any words that make sense, send them my way. I would love hearing about them and using them in my everyday life. Oh, and, it is REALLY becoming fall around here. It is cool every morning and warm during the day and then back to cool in the evening. I love the change of seasons. Get ready for some gorgeous pictures of foliage coming your way very soon.

Cheers!! RC

Wow. What A Day!!

This has been a glorious day! Even though it isn't the morning, I at least got my musing in!

I certainly hope that your day has been as wonderful as mine today. One of the most important aspects of watching our money has been creating what I like to call:: Saving for Fun. My husband purchased a one gallon can of Benjamin Moore's Linen White and in combination with the quart that I already had we were able to tackle the kitchen as well as the living and dining rooms. Well, I am happy to report that the color is perfect, but the down side is that we spent our hard earned money on tickets to the Twin/Ranger game this afternoon and it was worth every penny. What a blast we had. Now, I know more about football than I do about baseball and my knowledge about football isn't that great--I once called Lambeau Field in Green Bay, Rambo Field for heaven's sake, so I literally am not the world's best sports nut. Ha! Anyway, Mitch did a great job of finding us tickets and off we went this afternoon and had a marvelous time.

I must give myself some credit however. The field is designed with people in mind--meaning, we had padded seats!! I was instantly in heaven. One of my worst fears when going to a theatre of some sort is that the seating will be horrific and I will be put in a seat which is not only damaging it is far more uncomfortable than sitting on a slab of concrete. But this was wonderfully comfortable seating and I was wildly surprised and held up easily. I am doing such a great job of hanging in there before this surgery that I am grateful for padded seats at a sporting event! What a crack up!!!

Now, I am tired and so wonderfully sleepy that I am going to do my final exercises and fall into bed happy and contented

More to come in the morning when I am fresh. Have a lovely evening.....did I make any big mistakes here?Hope not.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Well, today is my 42nd birthday and I am so pleased. Now, if you believe that there's a decent bridge for sale in Brooklyn blah, blah, blah. But, I do see no real reason to give accurate birthday numbers when fudging is just as easy.

Today, the husband and I are going to begin our rather large but fun painting party. We are painting our entire first floor from a very grayed, cool toned taupe to a gorgeous warm cream color called, linen white from Benjamin Moore. I can't wait for the transformation to begin. Then, when the birch flooring is installed in October things will really begin to emerge as lovely. Because of my recent weeks/months of horrible depression and anxiety it is thrilling to begin feeling the first pangs of design and creative juices stirring within me again. Funny as this sounds, I actually thought that the gift of creativity and interior design that comes from God was on loan or something and that it would dry up ad go away when I stopped using it. Hah! It feels tremendous to be back in the design saddle again and going after the things that make me truly happy inside...like picking out wall color paint, redesigning a room, and just plain redecorating a room to make it look and feel completely different and much more vibrant than ever before. And as my BFF says, God will never take this skill away from me, it just gets stronger the longer and more I use it. Doing a strong interest inventory test in one of the first things I make the girls I mentor complete prior to them working with me long term. It is so important to know. I could have become an anchor woman too! Now that really would have been a riot. But, don't sell me short yet. I would love to be a crime reporter so I may show up on the 6pm KARE 11 news yet, covering murder, domestic violence and more mayhem, you never know!! But, I digress, as soon as the rooms really start to unfold expect pictures to begin arriving on this blog o sphere.

Let's see what else is going on. Had a great time texting away with the BFF yesterday and we'll most likely be at it again today. If you are a woman who does not have a female BFF it's certainly time to get a move on in that department. There's something about talking and connecting with another woman that is beyond anything I get with the husband and he is also my best and closest friend. Women, however, have the uncanny ability to connect with each other in a completely different manner and it is truly God's gift to us. I am sure it is the same with men, too. Mitch is getting ready to begin an all men's spiritual meeting on Friday mornings and talk. There's no drum beating or chest thumping or anything going on, they simply meet and discuss men stuff and not over a football game. Very interesting stuff....yeah, right. I do think it would be a hoot to be a fly on the wall somewhere in that room though. If sex really is what men think about the majority of the time what else besides money do they have to discuss? Hmmm, certainly something to ponder.

I am also hoping that birthday presents swing into the neighborhood of the Egyptian Musk variety. I almost always get this particular musk from Body Time in Berkely but their last batch was not good nor was it consistent to what I have experienced with them for the nearly 30 years I have shopped with them. This musk and their patchouli oil are very, very good perfume oils. Go to:: bodytime.com for a complete list of what they have to offer. I have shopped there since the 70's and still love that company.

Happy Birthday to ME!! Hah. Hope you all have a great day too.

Early Morning Riser This Morning

Greetings and Good Morning::

At the ripe early hour of 3:30am I was awoken to a rip rousing thunder storm and it woke me out of a deep sleep. About an hour later I couldn't get back to sleep so down stairs I came, turned on the pot of coffee and got out the ice packs and heating pad and began my morning, which is how I wake up every morning! What a riot. However I typically wake up at 5:30 am not 4. Yuck.

Anyway, today I have been thinking about how grateful I am for living fully in the present moment. Nothing is as pressing, horrible or debilitating when I am simply operating from my one current moment of time. I also went for a walk yesterday again using my new handy-dandy lumbar brace support. I am over joyed to be able to go walking after a nearly 4-5 month hiatus at being able to do so. It doesn't make my hips feel great, but what it does for my mind is beyond my ability to communicate. It feels so good having endorphins kicked out during a walk. It's amazing how one can feel it happening.

Today it is a physical terrorist day. I have been going to the same PT guy since my hip replacement nearly five years ago and he is truly a life saver. I am feeling strong and healthier than ever and it a direct result of PT religiously. Mike Ripley is his name and his establishment is OSI Physical Therapy here in Minnesota. The man is an amazing healer and gives me grief when I need it and compassion when I need it, keeping me well rounded and on track. Getting ready for the fusion surgery has required two days a week in his office and daily activities that he maps out for me. Very nice. He is awesome.

Okay the husband has just woken up so we are going to talk and drink coffee....more later.

Cheers.

Robin

No Time Like The Present

Good Day!

I had a fantastic change of attitude last week that has literally changed the way I think and feel to the point of never going back to the past. I have realized how horribly debilitating staying locked in the our past can be to being fully in the present moment today...right now...this very second.

Last Thursday this came about after having had a horrible emotional melt-down in front of my husband to the point of scaring him out of his wits, which I have never done before. Since so many brutally stressful things has happened in my life over the past four years, I have had every reason in the world to be slogging around in the self-pity pool, staying firmly entrenched in the "let's beat Robin up for every single mistake she's ever made and vividly recall each and every one of them over the past four years", and finally, the self-hate that consumed me was beyond my ability to finally function and I was on a fast spiral downwards towards a major continued clinical depression.

To clarify, I am also not one to take ANY medications for clinical depression. Depression is fact of life. When things are not going the way I want them to I get royally depressed and anxious simultaneously and my life gets out of control and unmanageable. In order to re-establish my footing I must lock horns with God and do a bit of battle until I finally let go and surrender. Last week was the most incredible surrender of my life and has changed me forever. I am now more in love and have more faith in God than ever before in my life and can say I am over the debilitating aspects of my depression. Now, I am going about changing the serotonin levels in my brain by doing much more exercise and of the cardiovascular variety. Serotonin and endorphins kick in and I feel like a brand new person. Like a new Monarch butterfly getting ready for my migration to Mexico from Minnesota. I know the new love of my life is God and then my husband, family and friends. Not in any other order. I know completely that God loves me unconditionally and that I now know how to love unconditionally. What an amazing thing to know and understand.

This is an extremely simplified version of the amazing progress that was made in my life last week. But, please suffice to say that I have come out the other side of some of the worst problems of my entire life and that these problems seemed to last forever because of my inability to surrender them to God. There's a marvelous saying I have on a piece of paper somewhere in my new condo that reads, "Good Morning, Robin, this is God. I will be handling all of your problems today and I will not need your help, so have a wonderful day. I love you, God.". Where was this sentiment in all these horrible issues? How did I manage to forget that God was there with me every step of the way to help me over come every obstacle in my path. To help me surrender to my mistakes and humanness and to ask Him for all the help and guidance I will ever need in my life. I could have saved myself so much more time and energy had I simply remembered that God loves me and only wants what is best for me. Sometimes there are aspects of my humanness that need breaking by God and that is not a comfortable process, but the blessings that result are nothing short of miraculous. THey make me honor and love God all the more because of the caring He has for me. I only wish that everyone could understand this profound love for themselves. But, I am certainly no poster girl for it. I go kicking and screaming to my own good all the time. But going through two business bankruptcies, a foreclosure of my dream home, the downsizing of my life and a multitude of health problems, just about did me in over the past two years and I could barely, barely function. To top that off, my husband and I had to figure out if we still loved one another and if we wanted to put God before our marriage. Let me say, we decided we did loved each other warts and all, and that those vows we took actually mean something. They don't mean when the going gets tough and mistakes get made you bail out of a marriage. We stayed put, worked through our problems, which we are still doing, and renewed our marriage vows and commitment to each other. I love him now more than I ever have and know exactly what loving someone unconditionally now means first hand. Never knew what that ways before.

So, it's no wonder I begin Qigong work next week with a healer. If you don't know what Qigong is I highly recommend it. For me, it is one more way I connect my body, mind and spirit and continue to move out any blocked energy that is stored within my body causing me dis-ease. It is an amazing process and it was amazing how God put the right teacher in my life when I was ready. Things all happen for a reason and when the time is right. Openness, openness, openness. Oneness with God. Oneness with myself. Loving others unconditionally and loving myself and thinking of myself less is so important. I have heard it said that humans don't need to learn to love themselves, they already do that, it comes naturally. We need to learn to love ourselves less and focus on others more. Through this process we actually get better on the inside instead of trying to fill up using material goods.

For the first time in my natural life I could care less if I have the next "it" handbag that costs a small fortune. It almost makes me shutter to think that I actually thought that putting a $3000 handbag on a credit card and going into debt was more important than my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I am designer, and God gave me these fantastic gifts and talents, but they are to serve Him, not to buy myself expense material goods that I don't need. Now I ask myself, is it a need or is it a want. Do I want to serve the most important source in my life or do I want to run to Neiman Marcus and spend money I do or do not have? The answers are now very, very clear. So clear in fact that my soul has changed and my heart has changed and because of that my health is now changing. I still may need my fusion surgery in October, but I will be so much stronger on every single level of my life. Thank you God. Thank you, Mitch. Thank you, Joan, Thank you, Judy, Thank you, Lynda, Thank you, meetings.

And mostly, thank you for my ability to be constitutionally honest with myself. It may have taken me a while, but I will never treat myself has horribly has I have for the past four years every again. I am worth more than that. As Lynda would say to me, "Robin, God is just crazy about you."

God is just crazy about you too.

Talk to you tomorrow!!

Robin