Self-Forgetting.

A New Me Is Emerging, Finally

I love looking at inspired architecture whether it be residential or commercial. Residential has a bit more interest simply because it is a place we would call home.

However, during all of my health issues these past two years not even an inspired residential interior could snap me out of the anger I felt towards God and everyone else for the broken body I had developed for nothing. No reason at all! Suddenly I felt myself like poor Alice, falling down a hole where there was nothing to catch hold of to stop myself from falling and no end in sight. It has been a grueling, nasty, difficult, depressing (depression to me is anger turned inward), self-pitying, rage-full, and bitter time in my life. A time when I could not catch my breath from crying. And I was mad as a hornet, in other words, not liking much of anything. When your entire body hurts and nothing seems to be getting better but seems to be worsening, things in life tend to appear a bit bleak. I know some of you can identify with me here. But, finally, through helping others in my family who are experiencing some health problems as well and watching them deal with their illness with so much positive energy, and working with a holistic therapist, I am finally snapping out of it as Cher said in that movie I can't remember the name of--drat. 'Snap out of it Robin!' I said to myself the other day. I couldn't believe it. Now, I am not saying I am cured because I uttered those words, but I understood the notion of them. I said, self, haven't you hung on to this anger and negativity for long enough? How about a little break to let God in some more. Just a little peep hole for God to shine some additional light on my broken body and help me adjust more gracefully and with more dignity to a body that is not the same anymore. Well...

Over Thanksgiving and in particular, Thanksgiving Day, it was the first time in many years I felt so completely thankful for my family. Since my stepmother's breast cancer diagnosis and subsequent mastectomy the Monday prior to Thanksgiving Day, (and now looming radiation and chemotherapy treatment), I got to witness my father share the love and devotion he feels and has for his wife by helping her during the first few days of her recovery at home. I got to think about how my husband has helped me so many times during the past many years since my spine issues have wreaked havoc on my body and daily functioning in life. And, he has done this helping of me not begrudgingly or stingily, but instead with the same love and devotion that my father reflects to his wife of over 30 years.

It was my honor to cook my parents healthful, nutritious, good food so they had something to eat when they returned from the Mayo. It was my honor to help them with their dogs while my step-mother was having her surgery and recovery days at the Mayo. It was my honor. If I could have done more for them I would have without reservation.

It is out of pure love that one does things like this in a family or with friends because self forgetting is so important and I forgot that notion entirely. Ironically, when I began to focus my attention on helping others, especially my parents in their need, I forgot about my own health issues and was able to discontinue the bulk of my pain medications and blood pressure medication entirely. Granted, I had been working towards this for a while, but I was off those meds for nearly one month until a L4/L5/S1 flare up nailed me last weekend. But, helping others helped me to forget about me. I confess, my world got mighty small when I was the only person I thought about. This reminded me about a person I knew when I lived in San Francisco who always said, 'I may not be much, but I am all I think about.' Think about that the next time you think your life is so bad because that's what I am going to do. My life isn't bad by a long shot. Period. And we in my family and that of my husband's family are truly blessed. To think otherwise would be more selfish than I could ever express here on this silly blog.

So, when Mitch and I brought up all the Thanksgiving meal fixings and forgot the gravy and the cranberry sauce it simply wasn't the end of the world as I knew it. It was something we all laughed about and a memory that was made that I will cherish for the rest of my life. My father brilliantly made cranberry sauce from his stash of dried berries by adding water and a little sugar and heating them in the microwave. They came out delicious. If I had had just a little more juice from the turkey breast I could have made gravy but since I had not cooked a breast before I didn't realize they don't contain as much fat or make as much juice, hence, nothing to help make the gravy. I know now that it was laughter and enjoyment and love that ruled that day for me. A gratitude washed over me that I hadn't felt in a long time. I am truly and fully blessed.

I also am able to witness this love in the family of my husband. My mother-in-law cares lovingly to my father-in-law due to his degenerative spine problems and she is an inspiration to me. So is he. He had some spine surgery about a year ago--no, over a year ago and he's like a new man now. His spirit is back, his eyes have their fun, little boy light in them again (which, by the way, he passed on to my husband, that little boy light is a light I love about my husband) Dick has put weight back on, and returning is his humor and handsomeness! It is truly wonderful to witness.

This is the stuff that real, true, Thankfulness comes from. This is the stuff that gratitude is made from. It comes from love of others and the ability to get out of one's self long enough to help others in their time of need and do it without thinking or without any bitterness or expecting anything in return. It is complete selflessness. Wow. It has been a long time since I helped someone especially a family member and I felt fantastic. I continue helping. I will continue helping. And in the process enjoy the privilege of spending time with my father and step-mother more regularly and I love it.

And I will never, ever take my husband's help for granted. As I see it, It is his gift to me. I hope I can return the favor in what ever way I can some day. He suffered a cold after returning from a business trip last week, and so I was able to help him through that. But it's a head cold, how bad can it really be! Hah! But scale of helping doesn't matter I am finding. It is simply knowing that doing it without expecting something in return is key. This is true, unconditional love. The same love God has for me and you.

Funny, after writing the words unconditional love I decided to look them up. Here goes:: Unconditional--not limited by conditions, absolute. Love--a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. So, unconditional love must be a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person that has no limits and is not bound by conditions whatever they may be. Isn't that beautiful. Wow.

I believe now that unconditional love is what life is all about. It is God's gift we give to Him and to each other. I am so thankful that people in my family love me despite my flaws. I am so thankful my husband loves me despite my mistakes and character defects.

I am just as grateful for the tenderness I witness by my family members who are around me every day.

I am profoundly grateful and thankful.

I am snapping out of it! Finally! And am profoundly happy for that too. In self-forgetting, I found myself again and helped the very people I love the most in this life.

Namaste--Robin